How to fucking suck.
A mate's fiancee invited me to a surprise party for his birthday. This guy's fairly respectable, his fiancee too. They're both reasonably grownup, it's going to be a nice affair.
So i do the thing, and i get dressed nicely, a good pair of pale cords & a pale t-shirt. As I leave the house, I'm thinking, damn. I look the shiznit. Of course as soon as I leave, It hits me that this t-shirt is going to show up sweat stains.
I go for a pre game drink with one of the lads. (during which time I manage to spray the woman next to me with the guts of a bottle of corona - don't ask - either way, I manage to be charming and laugh my way out of it)
Pick up a bottle of wine and on to the party. Where, during the time before the birthday boy arrives, I manage to spill my glass all over my pants and the carpet. In front of all the people i don't know. Red wine. Pale carpet. Pale pants.
At this point, I'm two steps away from stepping outside to commit quiet & discreet hara-kiri. But, fuck it I'm toughing this one out. In addition to this, I've now become the 'drunken idiot friend'. (which I'm not!)
Also at the party is a girl who used to be in my class in college. She now works for a major bank. In one of those 'good jobs'. She goes on exotic holidays & looks amazing. I have wine on my pants & sweat stains on my shirt. She tells a joke, I drop my (now empty) wine glass. The only way i could be less dignified is if i unzipped and started masturbating in the corner, while eating a whole turkey.
Some days, honestly.
So i do the thing, and i get dressed nicely, a good pair of pale cords & a pale t-shirt. As I leave the house, I'm thinking, damn. I look the shiznit. Of course as soon as I leave, It hits me that this t-shirt is going to show up sweat stains.
I go for a pre game drink with one of the lads. (during which time I manage to spray the woman next to me with the guts of a bottle of corona - don't ask - either way, I manage to be charming and laugh my way out of it)
Pick up a bottle of wine and on to the party. Where, during the time before the birthday boy arrives, I manage to spill my glass all over my pants and the carpet. In front of all the people i don't know. Red wine. Pale carpet. Pale pants.
At this point, I'm two steps away from stepping outside to commit quiet & discreet hara-kiri. But, fuck it I'm toughing this one out. In addition to this, I've now become the 'drunken idiot friend'. (which I'm not!)
Also at the party is a girl who used to be in my class in college. She now works for a major bank. In one of those 'good jobs'. She goes on exotic holidays & looks amazing. I have wine on my pants & sweat stains on my shirt. She tells a joke, I drop my (now empty) wine glass. The only way i could be less dignified is if i unzipped and started masturbating in the corner, while eating a whole turkey.
Some days, honestly.
posted by Andy at 5:17 PM
2 Comments:
when you put all them together it was pretty calamatous (spelling?) and very funny.
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